Tag Archives: monday

The Origins of Pumpkin Beer

New post on Five By Five Hundred about the secret history of that wretched poison that people actually pretend to like. Ugh.

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It was nearing sundown on that late autumn evening, and soon the frost would settle in for the long winter months. Mordecai Willington III was tending to the last of his crops, surveying the remaining gourds that littered his field in a tangled mess of pulp and vine, like a spider’s web in orange, brown, and yellow, speckled with flecks of green. It was the end of the harvest season, and though his yield had been high this year, he wasn’t selling as strongly as he had hoped. Soon the gourds would go to waste, buried beneath the snow along the cold Atlantic coast. Without the money he had hoped to make, his family would be forced to ration their goods until the spring.

Mordecai was gathering the final fresh gourds when a blinding white flashed across the field. It was radiant and burned without pain, as if God Himself…

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Who Is That Masked Man Anyway?

I have a new superhero identity.

I’m not really sure what my powers are, or if they’d be any use in a fight, but that doesn’t matter. I’ve now experienced the quintessential Spider-Man-esque (RIP) traumatic formative moment, and there is no turning back.

Today on Five By Five Hundred, I reveal my deep secret, the true origin story of my new superheroic identity: Regular Wednesday Comic Book Buyer Guy. A true hero for the modern age.

Read ahead, if you can handle it.

“Origin Story” on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Molesting a Metaphor

Just a quick update — it’s been a rather intense weekend for everyone. But here’s my newest post on Five By Five Hundred, a quick little wordplay piece of prose that attempts to go too far on the idea of “molesting a metaphor” (based on a recent LitReactor.com article on how NOT to use a metaphor). I don’t know, it just sounded fun. Enjoy!

“It’s a Metaphor, Fool” on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Too Busy

First of all, thanks to everyone who came to our Alejandro & the Fame show this past Saturday. We completely sold out the venue, which is always a cool feeling*, plus Shaymus Moynihan and the gang at the Midway treated us with some truly fantastic hospitality while we were there. (Read: free drinks)

Anyway, point is: it’s Monday, and after a hard day of writing, I’ve got a new piece up at Five By Five Hundred about time. We could all use more free time, yeah? And yet, somehow, no one blames the government. Maybe they’re taking all of our free time, hrmmm? Even though it’s supposed to be free?

Yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous. But it made for a fun little flash fiction sketch.

“FREE TIME” at FiveByFiveHundred.com

*Although, at the same time, it was kind of depressing, because apparently people come out in droves to see 5 guys shredding their way through Lady Gaga songs, but no one cares about original music. But I digress.

Haiku Beer Review: The Third!

Continuing in my established tradition from the Mass Brewer’s Fest and last year’s Winter Beer Jubilee, I present for you the latest installment of Haiku Beer Review, compiled at the 2012 Winter Beer Summit. I make tasting notes into my phone as the night goes on, so that I can turn them into haikus when I get home (and eventually sober up). I know, I know, I’m a genius, it’s true. Anyway, enjoy!

(Also, thanks to Dig Boston for the free tickets and for putting up with my whining. #thomdunnwantsbeer)

“Haiku Beer Review #3: Winter Beer Summit 2012” on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise Daoibh

That’s “Happy New Years” in the Irish. Or, more literally, it’s kind of “A Prosperous Year Upon All Of You” but it’s the same gesture.

Anyway, here we are. 2012. You know what that means. I encourage you to live every day like it’s volume 3 of The Invisibles.

(…you *have* read The Invisibles, yes?)

Today on FiveByFiveHundred.com, I weave a fantastical tale about a New Years romance gone horribly, horribly awry, a yarn which may or may not be based on someone whom I actually met at a party this weekend and may or may not have wanted to inflict violence upon because of the incredibly douche-tastic things that s/he may or may have said (“Like, you can totally just tell like a lot about someone if they smoke like American Spirits, right?” OH MY GOD SHUT UP).

Okay. That’s it. I feel better now. I swear.

“Stranger In a Strange Year, or, All-American Spirits” at FiveByFiveHundred.com

And just in case you haven’t read it…

Such a beautiful moment at the end of the world. Gets me every time. *sniff**sniff*

Top Ten

It’s that time of year again, when every website and blog and news outlet dials up their completely arbitrary criterium and publishes their “Top 10” lists for the year. This year I finally pulled off something I’ve been meaning to do for a while: a Top 10 list of “Top 10” lists of the year. A comprehensive list of the best of the best of the “Best Of” lists.

ME SO META.

“Top Ten ‘Top 10’ Lists of 2011” at FiveByFiveHundred.com